Monday, March 3, 2008

Frist Time

I haven't done this before but I'm hoping its therapeutic. So much has gone on in the last semester that I'm about to lose my mind. I don't feel like there is anyone that I really to talk and I don't know. I have a best friend, I live with my sister and have been with my boyfriend for a year and half. I just can't vocalize my feelings and I don't if anyone would fully understand.

Forcing myself to go to class is becoming harder and harder. I don't know why. I don't really want to sit around and do nothing. I know being active would make me feel better but I just can't make myself go some days. I like most of my classes. What is my deal? Not to mention the serious panic it causes me to apply for jobs. I want to stay in school and get an HRAD degree but I'm scared to tell anyone.

My dad's brain tumor was really scary. It was benign but still the surgery lasted like 6 hours and seeing him in the ICU was really hard. I experienced a range of emotions. Fear and sadness where the two most logical and common but I felt some anger and I part of me just want to shove it all out of my mind. Pretend it wasn't happening. Not go to the surgery, avoid my dad. I didn't, I was actually one of the strongest ones. I didn't cry once. I wanted to...a lot but I never let the tears flow. He's really struggled emotionally since. He always thinks he isn't doing well but he was AT HOME less than a week after the surgery. This is the first time I've been home sick. Mostly because I think I wanted to back in a time when home was home and my dad was ok. The only side effect he has is a lose of hearing in one ear. Which really isn't bad. I just want him to be my dad again. And everything to be "normal", I miss that. I miss the calm, steadiness that was my dad.

And there is my boyfriend's ex. They have been broken for two years. We'll call my boyfriend "B" and we'll call her "Evil". B and I have been together for a year and half and Evil has been a pain in the ass since about the day B and I meet. She's was awful to him. A cheat, a lair and emotionally abusive. She really hurt C and I hate her for that. I also know other people that know Evil and everyone agrees that she's a crazy, lying whore. So I hate her for that as well. Last week Evil decided to mess with life even more and take to a step that is NOT ok. She sent me a message on myspace saying B tired to cheat on me with her while I was with my dad for his surgery. I know its a lie for many reasons. The upsetting part was really the amount of information she knew about me and the fact that she knew so much about me and that for next few days every time I turned around she was there. I really do worry what she's gonna pull next and how much more emotional pain she is going to cause B and I. LEAVE US ALONE!!!

The other drama Evil has caused has been among B and I's group of friends. Our group is very intertwined. My sister "L" is dating a guy I can't stand "D", D's sister, "K" is L's age and dating "T". Sadly, T and Evil are brother and sister. (And Bud's brother "J" and sister-in-law, "E", are also in the group) T and Evil don't have a good relationship Evil is.....well, evil. But they are still related. K and Evil use to be also to be close friends and had falling out because yet again she's evil. But now that T and K are dating K feel the need to a relationship with her, which I get. But they don't need to be like best friends which was looking like the way things were going prior to the myspace message. Since the myspace message K and T say they are mad at her but they also haven't talked to me since and removed as their friends on facebook. So why is that? HUH? It makes me so mad and so hurt. I don't get it! I didn't do anything but I'm the bad guy WHY? And doesn't help that T and B's roommate, Slob, are close friends so he doesn't talk to me either. Just makes rude comments about me while I'm in ear shot. I feel bad that some of B's friendships are hurting. I wish I could fix it. I wish I could help make everything all better. I am so hurt and angry. I just don't get it!!

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