Monday, March 24, 2008

Its been awhile

Its awhile since I've written. Partly because of lack of time and partly because I just didn't feel like a I could write everything that's going on. My grandma took a turn for the worse and then surprisingly a turn for the better. Last weekend while my bff was here we thought we were going to lose my grandma. I'd never seen someone in the active process of dying before. Its a hard image to shake. She's beg for help over and over again. I'm not always sure that she asking us or God for the help. Sometime she seemed ready to die and others wanting to fight. For awhile I thought she'd waited to long to fight and I guess she kinda did. I think her kidneys are functioning again and the staph infection is better but I don't think she's going to completely mentally recover. I think that really makes my grandpa sad which kinda kills me. Now its a waiting game, its a matter of time. She'll go to a nursing home and just slip away, slowly. For now every call might be "the call". Waiting is the worst. My grandma not being a my wedding is sad, even if she's still alive she won't really BE THERE. I never thought that I would be missing some many of grandparents at such being events in my life like graduating and wedding and births. I'll really miss my grandpa and grandma during those times. I pray that my grandpa E makes it long enough to see there things. I worry about him straining himself taking care of my grandma that he's going to get sick himself.

I took B's sister out for her 21st birthday. I think she had a good time and I hope I made a little difference in her self esteem.

B and I had an awful, awful fight right before I left for a short family trip. I though I was going to lose him. It was mainly because of my low-ish self esteem issues and Evil. I hate Evil but the hate has made me a bit obsessed. Both those things have hurt the relationship. I feel and that it has and I wish I could go backwards and fix it. I don't to come across has clingy to B but with everything else I don't want to lose him either. I just get so scared sometimes and panicked that there is no control in my own life. Everything spinning faster and faster and like a top about to fall over. The world wizzing around me and I can't get a grip or find a rock to hold onto. I wish B understand that while most this me, he doesn't always help. He can so hard on me and while he's doing it out of love its like I can never, ever do anything right in his eyes. Like I'll be good enough, perfect enough and doing this right by him. I know he doesn't feel that way but sometimes its the way it makes me feel.

I just want to stand, in the middle of it all the world crying and screaming. Maybe then someone would recuse and fix and make feel more sane than I feel right now.

Anybody else ever feel that way? Am I alone?

Tuesday, March 4, 2008


Another piece to the soap opera my life has become. My grandma is in the hospital....again. My grandma and hospitals are like peanut butter and jelly. But this time is different from my understanding. My dad, who isn't close to 100% yet, is coming on Thursday to see her. She has pneumonia and my grandpa thinks she may have had a stroke. She's been having a problem with internal bleeding for awhile now. She gets transfusions often and I guess has become more fragile, she doesn't look much different to me. My aunt Cheryl won't let my grandma be home alone so there must be something to it.

My mom is worried about my dad, mainly because of the stress my grandma is causing him. My mom feels that my grandma is emotionally black mailing my dad. My grandma has always been a master of guilt trips. My dad is coming to see my grandma on Thursday but he still isn't feeling well and my mom is worried this going to set him back in his recovery.Traveling can be pretty stressful so it can't help him any but I am excited to see him. I'd rather see him with my grandma around because she cries a lot. My dad doesn't even feel like he can drive all the way to airport and he normally always drives everywhere.

I feel like the world is falling down around me sometimes. I just wish things were clearer, you know?

Its FREEZING in B's room! I need to go home and do laundry and clean my room today but I don't feel like. I did go to class today at least. I really need to clean my room though because B and I are gonna start trading off where we stay to help ease up on how much Slob hastes me. My bed isn't visible right now. Tomorrow and Thursday I need to do homework....yuck! Friday we are driving to the city to see my grandma and dad.

B ran into K yesterday. She apologized and stuff but I guess I'm not ready to forgive or forget. I still just can't get over how hurt my feelings are and how I was the one that treated so poorly when I didn't do anything. Not mention the fact that they still haven't talked to me. T won't even look at me. So, "sorry" and "everything is cool" doesn't really seem like they mean it. Is it just me?

Monday, March 3, 2008

Frist Time

I haven't done this before but I'm hoping its therapeutic. So much has gone on in the last semester that I'm about to lose my mind. I don't feel like there is anyone that I really to talk and I don't know. I have a best friend, I live with my sister and have been with my boyfriend for a year and half. I just can't vocalize my feelings and I don't if anyone would fully understand.

Forcing myself to go to class is becoming harder and harder. I don't know why. I don't really want to sit around and do nothing. I know being active would make me feel better but I just can't make myself go some days. I like most of my classes. What is my deal? Not to mention the serious panic it causes me to apply for jobs. I want to stay in school and get an HRAD degree but I'm scared to tell anyone.

My dad's brain tumor was really scary. It was benign but still the surgery lasted like 6 hours and seeing him in the ICU was really hard. I experienced a range of emotions. Fear and sadness where the two most logical and common but I felt some anger and I part of me just want to shove it all out of my mind. Pretend it wasn't happening. Not go to the surgery, avoid my dad. I didn't, I was actually one of the strongest ones. I didn't cry once. I wanted to...a lot but I never let the tears flow. He's really struggled emotionally since. He always thinks he isn't doing well but he was AT HOME less than a week after the surgery. This is the first time I've been home sick. Mostly because I think I wanted to back in a time when home was home and my dad was ok. The only side effect he has is a lose of hearing in one ear. Which really isn't bad. I just want him to be my dad again. And everything to be "normal", I miss that. I miss the calm, steadiness that was my dad.

And there is my boyfriend's ex. They have been broken for two years. We'll call my boyfriend "B" and we'll call her "Evil". B and I have been together for a year and half and Evil has been a pain in the ass since about the day B and I meet. She's was awful to him. A cheat, a lair and emotionally abusive. She really hurt C and I hate her for that. I also know other people that know Evil and everyone agrees that she's a crazy, lying whore. So I hate her for that as well. Last week Evil decided to mess with life even more and take to a step that is NOT ok. She sent me a message on myspace saying B tired to cheat on me with her while I was with my dad for his surgery. I know its a lie for many reasons. The upsetting part was really the amount of information she knew about me and the fact that she knew so much about me and that for next few days every time I turned around she was there. I really do worry what she's gonna pull next and how much more emotional pain she is going to cause B and I. LEAVE US ALONE!!!

The other drama Evil has caused has been among B and I's group of friends. Our group is very intertwined. My sister "L" is dating a guy I can't stand "D", D's sister, "K" is L's age and dating "T". Sadly, T and Evil are brother and sister. (And Bud's brother "J" and sister-in-law, "E", are also in the group) T and Evil don't have a good relationship Evil is.....well, evil. But they are still related. K and Evil use to be also to be close friends and had falling out because yet again she's evil. But now that T and K are dating K feel the need to a relationship with her, which I get. But they don't need to be like best friends which was looking like the way things were going prior to the myspace message. Since the myspace message K and T say they are mad at her but they also haven't talked to me since and removed as their friends on facebook. So why is that? HUH? It makes me so mad and so hurt. I don't get it! I didn't do anything but I'm the bad guy WHY? And doesn't help that T and B's roommate, Slob, are close friends so he doesn't talk to me either. Just makes rude comments about me while I'm in ear shot. I feel bad that some of B's friendships are hurting. I wish I could fix it. I wish I could help make everything all better. I am so hurt and angry. I just don't get it!!