Monday, March 24, 2008

Its been awhile

Its awhile since I've written. Partly because of lack of time and partly because I just didn't feel like a I could write everything that's going on. My grandma took a turn for the worse and then surprisingly a turn for the better. Last weekend while my bff was here we thought we were going to lose my grandma. I'd never seen someone in the active process of dying before. Its a hard image to shake. She's beg for help over and over again. I'm not always sure that she asking us or God for the help. Sometime she seemed ready to die and others wanting to fight. For awhile I thought she'd waited to long to fight and I guess she kinda did. I think her kidneys are functioning again and the staph infection is better but I don't think she's going to completely mentally recover. I think that really makes my grandpa sad which kinda kills me. Now its a waiting game, its a matter of time. She'll go to a nursing home and just slip away, slowly. For now every call might be "the call". Waiting is the worst. My grandma not being a my wedding is sad, even if she's still alive she won't really BE THERE. I never thought that I would be missing some many of grandparents at such being events in my life like graduating and wedding and births. I'll really miss my grandpa and grandma during those times. I pray that my grandpa E makes it long enough to see there things. I worry about him straining himself taking care of my grandma that he's going to get sick himself.

I took B's sister out for her 21st birthday. I think she had a good time and I hope I made a little difference in her self esteem.

B and I had an awful, awful fight right before I left for a short family trip. I though I was going to lose him. It was mainly because of my low-ish self esteem issues and Evil. I hate Evil but the hate has made me a bit obsessed. Both those things have hurt the relationship. I feel and that it has and I wish I could go backwards and fix it. I don't to come across has clingy to B but with everything else I don't want to lose him either. I just get so scared sometimes and panicked that there is no control in my own life. Everything spinning faster and faster and like a top about to fall over. The world wizzing around me and I can't get a grip or find a rock to hold onto. I wish B understand that while most this me, he doesn't always help. He can so hard on me and while he's doing it out of love its like I can never, ever do anything right in his eyes. Like I'll be good enough, perfect enough and doing this right by him. I know he doesn't feel that way but sometimes its the way it makes me feel.

I just want to stand, in the middle of it all the world crying and screaming. Maybe then someone would recuse and fix and make feel more sane than I feel right now.

Anybody else ever feel that way? Am I alone?

1 comment:

Green Witch said...

You are not alone. I am looking for 'salvation' too. When I am whole, my relationships and life will be whole. In the meantime, everything suffers. I am on a journey, and I hope you find your path to inner healing too :-)